When I Wake Up...Everything will be beautiful

Jill Scott has a song on her new album called "When I Wake Up." In it, she describes being stuck in the pain of a break-up and uses the song as inspiration for what is to come. One of the lyrics says: "Here I am thinking again, all lost in my brain...when I know I should get up and out of it. I gotta keep moving." Another is: "Maybe right now I can't see the forest for the trees, so lost behind hurt...but I'm trying everyday exponentially to move forward." The chorus is "But when I wake up, everything will be beautiful"

I think I woke up this morning...

I got up early this morning...'round 'bout 5am. At 7am, I decided to bathe in the ocean and there I had a discussion with God, thanking the Creator for the opportunity to be a witness to awesomeness. I thanked the Creator for the subtle hints of purpose. Waking up to endless water and the most perfect of blue skies made me grateful for love and loss, rebirth, appreciation and respect. I am grateful that others see in me what remains a challenge for me to acknowledge. I am grateful that the most thickest of walls are coming down.

Yesterday, upon our arrival to San Pedro Island, my boss said "when it's time to work, it's time to work. But when it's time to play, it's time to play." Because I worked today...I mean really worked...I don't feel that guilty about writing this blog entry poolside...at the Sunbreeze Hotel and Resort on the beautiful San Pedro Island, Belize, Central America.

We arrived by Water Taxi, one of the two ways to reach the Cayes (pronounced keys). The other way is by plane, which is far too expensive, even to have donated like all of our other accommodations. It was an hour and a half drive from San Ignacio to Belize City and another 90 minute boat ride from the city to La Isla Bonita, as San Pedro is also called. Three minutes out the dock, my anxiety kicked in and I took half an Ativan to calm me down. It was the only way I could really enjoy and appreciate being out in the water.

When we arrived, I found out where I'd be staying for the next week--a beautiful hotel on the beach. Literally....ON THE BEACH. I was under the impression I'd be staying with another host family, but the hotel was donated to us by a group of impressive (and powerful) women committed to social change on the island.

In a country with serious gaps in social systems, as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, I am being treated like royalty. I feel like a celebrity. I have a scheduler, who keeps me adhered to a strict, time-sensitive calendar. Tomorrow I have a meeting with the mayor and at 7am, I'm doing a talk show in an effort to get more women scheduled for counseling for the week with the ultimate goal of developing a peer-support group to address the gap in services available for domestic violence and sexual assault survivors. I met the most conscience and progressive lesbian couple who is certain to make an impact in victim services in this country. And they are Belizean!!! Unheard of in this country. I will be working with one of them to develop her group facilitation and counseling skills to lead the peer support group. They are an inspiration to me and I literally had to hold back tears while I was listening to their story.

I've been at odds with my career as a social worker for years. I've felt ineffectual, disjointed and purposeless and anyone who knows me knows I've felt this way for a very long time. I've contemplated career changes and going back to school. This is the first time in a long time I've felt like I was using my talents and skills for a purpose and I feel like I'm creating a legacy. In addition to that, I have had some serious personal blows since coming to Belize. I'm grateful to God for allowing some people in my life, despite the circumstances. Those circumstances have yielded some realizations and have made me come to some final conclusions about life and love and happiness. The peace I've felt from being in a world that is, with all it's screwy politics, processes and systems,  incredibly simple and amazingly magnificent has added to the growth of who I am as a woman and a professional.

I woke up this morning...and everything was absolutely, positively beautiful.